The lords and ladies of
the realm need not fear - they still have vital role to play
Now that the hereditaries
have lost their day-jobs, I understand that a lot of them are planning to go
into tourism, where they will once again have the chance to shine for Britain . This time as an asset for the British Tourist Board.
For this purpose all lords, even the young
ones, will be required to dress up to look their age by donning tweeds,
monocles and fob watches and carrying canes. They will sport wild thatches of
hair on the sides of their heads, and sit motionless in rocking-chairs while
American tourists are brought in quietly behind their backs, being instructed
by their guides not to talk too loudly or throw food.
Some of the clever lords will renovate their suburban homes to
resemble atmospheric castles, with deliberately engineered draughts whistling
in under the doors and around the stairwells at all times of day and night. The
more energetic ones will wrap themselves in ermine and commandeer small punts
to take Japanese visitors on fishing expeditions from the banks of their
rivers.
Prices will be high, of course. A tour of a stately home is
already expensive. For those willing to pay for the pleasure, even closer encounters
will be possible. American businesses will take their best-performing sales
staff on incentive trips to serve tea to lords, to sit in baronial halls with
lords, to watch lords hunt stag, to have their accents derided by lords. In
short to be lorded over, in the good old-fashioned way.
Such a potentially profitable business will raise its share of
problems. Unscrupulous
lords will employ their cooks and gardeners to stand in
for them while they themselves fly off to take part in unlordly activities such
as yachting on the Costa del Sol or shopping in New York .
The British Tourist Board will issue warnings for tourists to be
on their guard against the possibility that the gentleman with the coat of arms
and the pedigree may in fact turn out to be a fraud or an impersonator. Any
person claiming the right to sit in the British parliament - it will warn -
cannot possibly be regarded as an authentic British lord.
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